Disclaimer: Only those who have gone through this will understand. Otherwise, you won’t understand a thing of what I’m saying here. So, if you haven’t been affected by a narcissist, refrain from assuming things.
Narcissism, inverted consciousness, false light, the energy of the fallen angels, archons, or “the devil”. These things are one and the same, in more or less degree. Call it separation from the all, anti-christ or the opposite of love. It is something that I have been experiencing in the last few years and didn’t truly know what this meant, I couldn’t precisely pinpoint it, until I lived it through the men I loved, specially the last one. Inverted consciousness is also what’s infiltrated our world as we know it, we are living an upside world that’s heading more and more into a dystopia (we are actually in it).
When I left my country 21 years ago to explore the world, I wanted to ‘know the Truth’. Well, now I know it. I just didn’t know it would be so soul-destroying, painful and horrific.
Many of the articles and poems I’ve written here on my blog are part of my journey of discovery of the existence of such thing. The battle between the light and the dark. Good and evil. The ultimate Truth.
I tick all the boxes to attract narcs, I am empathetic, warm, accepting, patient, loving, caring, strong, passionate… but I am also something else: I am a dreamer. I live in the world of dreams, as I know that’s the real world. This, to the narc, is heaven, because narcs live in a fantasy world they create for themselves. They don’t interact with external people, they interact with ‘characters’, or avatars, of those people that they’ve created in their mind. So I am the perfect match, easily lured in into a world that I also am part of, the only difference is that my dream world is the precursor of reality, and it’s congruent, relative to reality, it’s true. The fantasy world of the narcissist isn’t such. It’s a world that changes at will, based on convenience, to avoid any diminute hint of responsibility or conflict. For example, the narcissist will say today “Your eyes are so deep, it seems they have a lot to say, I will have to explore the depths of them as I rarely get lost in such eyes like yours”, and a few days later he will say “I never said that”, even when you show him the evidence of his text message. The narcissist wants you to be silent, mute, and just agree to anything he says, even if it is a blatant lie. And to accept him and love him and stay with him, means the total annihilation of you. But this is just one part of it. If you’ve read so far, please keep reading.
In the beginning I believed that the narcissist would heal (not knowing he was a narcissist then), specially in the company of someone like me, because good always overcomes evil, right? Well, no. That’s not reality. The essence of the narcissist is VOID. They are psychotic children. Their soul is so broken that, when you experience a narcissist, it’s almost as if you’re dealing with a non-human entity. They can be highly intelligent and smart, and yet their deeply rooted wound makes them extremely fragile, volatile, and soul-sucking like a black hole. Their heart is not functioning normally (their heart energy), because it wasn’t cared for when it had to. They don’t cause pain on purpose, it is just their essence. This was shown to me in my first Ayahuasca experience and I didn’t want to believe it, I wanted to find a second meaning to it, because the actual realisation was too horrific to be accepted. But there was no second meaning. Mother Plant showed me exactly what it was, inequivocally, and time has proven to me that She was right. Nothing I ever did, or didn’t, was enough to help him become the loving man, the sensitive beautiful child, the reputable wise man I saw inside him.
When one talks lightly about narcissistic people, one associates it with the typical person you know who is always talking highly about themselves and being inconsiderate with others. But narcissism is much more than that. Sometimes even that quality is hidden (‘covert’ narcissists). The narcissist is a machiavelic, shadowy, dark, twisted form of personality, and it’s mostly unintentioned (unlike the psychopath), it’s just who they are and how they function, all deeply rooted in childhood trauma (usually the mother wound), or beyond. It is also a common personality disorder, and they actually show to have physical anomalies in the brain and nervous system compared to healthy individuals.
Narcissism, or inverted consciousness, is the same as the wetiko or mind virus of the archons (fallen angels) that has infiltrated humanity since the beginning of times, only now it’s more prevalent, due to the mechanisms that are in place in our current system.
The narcissist always wins, cannot fail, is never wrong, is always under control. He considers himself perfect (god-like). The devil wants to be God (but he isn’t), so he has to ‘appear’ godly in order to deceive, and he’s extremely skilful at it. To the narc, everyone is below him. Even when he regurgitates words that say he is not perfect (usually playing the victim), it’s just to appear he’s doing the right thing, to be liked. He’s usually smart, so he knows what people do and express. For example, he can perceive that people get sad, and he can pretend to be sad, because it’s virtuous to say, be or do certain things, so he ‘copies’ those attitudes, but he’s not them, he doesn’t feel them. They don’t have genuinely positive emotions. The narc doesn’t exist, really. He has no soul.
The narc rarely changes. No healing modality or therapy can cure him. Actually, if you offer help or try to help him (when I say him, this applies to her too, men and women), also because he has asked you, he will consider you your enemy, because “how dare you offer help to me, the one who knows it all”. He wants you to help him and give him all the attention, for then basically kill your spirit and crush you. Basically, if you wanna keep the narcissist happy, just be silent and agree to his delusion (while at the same time giving him all the supply without getting any care in return – basically be a doormat). But even when you do so and you don’t ever question him, he’ll end up getting bored and discard you, so there’s no exit. That’s why he doesn’t have friends, just objects (reflections of him) who pander to his fantasy. Once he sees you’ve seen his true self, or even if you don’t, just when he deems fit in a whim, he discards you and all your good qualities, and the reasons he ‘loved’ you for, suddenly become bad qualities and you’re now his worst enemy. Also, he’ll make sure everyone knows how evil you are, and he’ll watch you suffer and instead of caring for you, he’ll help a stranger. Deep trauma runs through his system, it’s a mother wound. So to him, there are only two type of people: very good, his allies (the ones who pander to his fantasy world and worship him) or very bad, his enemies (the ones who tell him the truth). His allies become his enemies in the blink of an eye.
He is terrified of failing because he has been conditioned to believe that failing means to be annihilated, to not be loved. That’s why he needs constant attention, validation, reassurance and god treatment, because his very existence crucially depends on being seen. That’s why he’s a people’s pleaser. He thinks he can only be loved if he’s perfect, not as he is, and he thinks the same of others. He calls love that which appears to be the mirror of his own self-deluded reality. Unconditional love terrifies him. Loving someone for who they are is inconceivable, it’s foreign to him.
“Why do people hurt others?
– It’s easier to hurt others than to heal oneself”
He also believes everyone has his same mentality and intentions, so he never trusts anyone and he’s incapable of intimacy. He yearns to be seen and accepted, and when he does, it means someone truly knows him and in his mind that cannot be, because then he loses control and there cannot be two gods, someone at his same level. In his mind, good people are there to attack him because they cannot exist. If you say you love him he interpretates that as you wanting to possess him or control him, and that to him is unthinkable. That’s why he will choose partners who are empty, manipulating him to believe they love him, by mirroring him and licking his ass, and those relationships always end badly. Because at first the narc idealizes you, he even attributes qualities to you that aren’t there, just because he needs to own perfect objects (you being one of them). The moment you uncover him, you’re his biggest enemy.
The narcissist at first wants to shower you with forms of love, and when he realises he truly loves you, that makes you good and by default he becomes the bad one. He can’t bear being the bad one – although he knows he is – so he has to destroy you because he envies you. Yep. He envies and hates the one he loves the most. If he desires you, it means you’re better, or you’ve got something he doesn’t. And you can’t be better than him, he has to be the supreme god. So he rejects you from his kingdom. He doesn’t know what true love is. He can’t make himself vulnerable, it scares him to death.
Also, even though he knows he would be happy if he truly allowed himself to heal and experience true happiness and love, just because he knows he’d get it with you, he won’t go there, just to contradict you and make you unhappy. He sabotages his own happiness just to be against you, so that you can’t be happy, because he has to be right, and the idea of happiness needs to come from him, not you. So he creates his own (false) version of empty, momentary happiness, just to say he created it and it’s “his” creation and possession.
It’s all twisted, but this is how inverted consciousness works.
Only those who have experienced this, will know what I’m saying. And it exists in the world in more proportions than it should. Not only individually, but socially, as a collective. There is no cure or solution for the narcissist, nor the victim (I’ve been to two “narcissism specialised therapists” and it made things worse). One has to live with it.
Now that my health has recovered almost fully, I am able to post about this. But believe me when I say that I am not the same person, I no longer have the same zest for life or spark of life, my talents, and thirst for beauty and all things good, my singing, my quest for knowledge… it has all been shattered. I know I will never be the same, and yet, my love is eternal and unconditional for those who have inflicted deep hurt in me.
The game of darkness and light. This is what this all is about. Know that the light will always want to be consumed by the darkness, it’s the law. Pure light is what it is. And pure darkness is what it is.
If you find yourself dealing with a narcissist, be it a man or a woman, I recommend watching Prof. Sam Vaknin’s videos. He is a narcissist himself, and a professor of psychology, and he was the first one to coin the term “narcissistic abuse”, “going no contact”, etc. For me, hearing it from the mouth of the dragon is what has helped me make sense of this craze. Here are links to his YouTube channel, as well as a couple of others:
https://www.youtube.com/@samvaknin
https://www.instagram.com/richard.grannon
https://www.instagram.com/shadowdeangelis
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