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Ayahuasca: Love & Hell

I was going to keep this to myself, but I realize it would be nice to share with the world my profound Ayahuasca experience. Although, I am not expecting you to understand it.

Nothing. I repeat, nothing, neither the accounts I read and heard from others in the last few years, nor any information that happened to pass before my senses, prepared me for what The Plant Medicine (as it is called) gave me the other day.

Ayahuasca
Ayahuasca is a blend of two plants: the ayahuasca vine, Banisteriopsis caapi (top), and a shrub called chacruna: Psychotria viridis (bottom).

For a person like me wanting to know the truth behind things, trying Ayahuasca was always on the script. But back then I wasn’t fully ready to embrace my dark side (are we ever ready?), how dark it would be and whether I’d be able to handle the truth and live my life normally from then onwards. As opposed to other mind-altering substances, Ayahuasca forces you to look inside, often going deep into your wounds, so it’s not an exciting “trippy” experience, it’s rather hellish. So much so, that people often experience the deepest of pains. And so it has to be when real transformation is meant to happen.

Me, after reaching a saturated summit of not-knowing-what-to-do-next I wanted to find out the reasons and the why’s, the behinds and the why-not’s of my life. There comes a point when you have nothing to lose. I am ready to face death – said brave, naive me.

I must confess that I never took any type of drugs, not even alcohol or cigarettes (aha! that suddenly explains so much!🤔). So imagine, taking a natural hallucinogen (although natural, still a mind-altering substance) all of a sudden in my virgin body, how would it feel🥴? Two weeks later and I am still very much experiencing its effects. It could take months or years – said the very nice shaman.

IMG-20191007-WA0004
This is the beautiful place where my Ayahuasca experience took place.

The first ceremony: Love.

The shaman advised us not to analyze, understand or attach to whatever we were going to experience, but rather observe everything unfold like a spectator watching a movie. It is the mind who’s showing us images, sounds, so that the soul once and for all understands. We always know. But Ayahuasca confirms it in a way that you cannot miss it, because it makes you feel, live the events in your body, so that you end up understanding (and hopefully taking action) whether you like it or not.

There are a few things that happen during the opening of the ceremony. All of them help consciousness expansion, they open you and make you vulnerable to receive and accept whatever comes. My first meeting with one of those things was eventful, not relevant to this article. There are very informative accounts online about the general origin, definition, set-up and preparations for an Ayahuasca ceremony so I won’t repeat them here.

On my first night, after a couple of hours of “nothing relevant happening”, I started having this silly, sexual giggle that was springing right from my pelvic floor and genitals. At first I was trying to resist it and rationalize it. Not a wise thing to do. So I decided to surrender to it. I knew it was my second chakra being activated in its fullest glory. OMG. The self-love chakra🌺! Wow! I couldn’t believe this was actually happening, as real as it gets. This orgasmic laughter lasted for more than two hours! (I’m not going to complain🥰). I experienced an infinite sense of self-love, nurturing and compassion. A feeling that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt wanted, cared for, adored, nurtured, pampered.

utopia
Björk’s Utopia landscape illustrates very well the blissful place where I found myself in. The inside of a female’s womb.

I understood.

The thing is that we usually recognize our self-love only when it’s corresponded by the one we give our love to, and it’s mirrored back. That’s when we are “in love”. So all the good reads and theories about self-love, that I knew by heart intellectually, hadn’t actually been felt it in my body so clearly in ages. I had basically forgotten what it was to feel loved, and the plant reminded me. And oh, boy, did she remind me! And the best of all was to realise that this love is inside me so I can have it anytime!💃🏻.

After this, I saw myself as a warrior-spider-woman, and I saw an aspect of myself that I have always suspected it was there but now I lived it clearly. Spiders are my biggest fear, and they say we only fear what we are. Well… the shaman confirmed, I have ‘spider’ energy. How charming. And it is stored in my sexual energy. Lovely. However, I didn’t feel fear at all, or darkness. I felt power and sexual energy and how passionate intense sex is my expression of love. You might interpret this in many ways, I know what it means to me. Here it is one depiction of how I saw myself:

After this experience, the journey continued, showing me images, feelings and sounds that made total sense with my life, and that reinforced the love, power, depth and authenticity that lies within me (that goes in line with my pelvic floor / diaphragmatic breathing and singing). “Deep, True and Powerful” – the three words that kept on ringing. I saw the Goddess I am (yes, I know this is a very misused word nowadays and it sounds pretentious), but in my visions I experienced myself as such. An all-powerful, truthful Goddess of sexual feminine expression! Roarrr!!!😏

goddess
A close depiction of how I saw myself, surrounded by nature and in full feminine power.

The second ceremony: Hell.

On my second night I was totally caught off guard. It is as if the plant was bribing me with a luxurious pampering treatment for then being beheaded under the guillotine. The whole day I had been feeling a heavy head, body aches and temperature, as if going to catch the flu, for no reason, and there was heaviness in the air. It was the Ayahuasca.

You must know that the plant prepares the people who are ready to receive it during the days and weeks previous to the ceremony… it’s a whole process, and let me tell you: if you aren’t ready for it, you will not get what you want. Ayahuasca always gives us what we need. Like life. So if you go with the intention of “winning the lottery”, you might as well get an “okay darling, but first let’s fix your head and your materialistic view of life” with something you don’t like. Or you might not get anything at all. In every case, you’ll get what you need, and this is one of the things that fascinated me about the process. Everyone else in my group got exactly what they needed, and what they were prepared for receiving.

Out of nowhere, I started (I literally saw myself an felt my body) shrinking into a very small, heavy, dense, dark, weak being. I saw myself as a small oval black blob of the size of an avocado (avocados are nice, they don’t deserve this, sorry avocados🙏🏼). Powerless. Poor. Miserable. Dispensable. Useless. Pointless. I even felt myself lowering in energy, going down, down, down, to some infernal levels that I had never been to before. It was hot, dense, an abyss of darkness and heaviness. I felt what it was like to be small, powerless and with no freedom of expression. Not being able to feel, do, be anything on my own accord. It’s not easy to explain with words. Around me, I started noticing other beings, some of them with human form, with long limbs and languid faces, with little flesh, and very pale… wailing, lamenting, crying, making noises that I have seen in films about what hell would be like. Creepy cries, agony screams, malicious grins, long teeth, long noses, bony fingers, deceiving voices, greed… everyone there waiting for a piece of light to fall from above to feed off.

Dante-Inferno
Dante’s Inferno is a pretty painting of Heaven compared to what I experienced.

I was experiencing hell. “This is not me. I don’t want to be hereI don’t want this in my life…” I actually started crying and saying “no, no, no…” Also the music being played by the shaman and the experiences of the other people in the room made me believe that we were all actually in hell! it has horrifying, I understood I did not belong to that place but that there were many people (most) that lived their real lives in hell.

darkness

The most heartbreaking part was when I saw in that hell the people who have hurt me the most in my life… then I understood. Their souls are poor. They cannot give anything, because they don’t know how to (or they choose not to), they don’t have it, they don’t want it, so they prey on others in order to exist. It was the saddest realization to live. I cannot put it in words. Souls choose to be that way, they live death in life, for whatever reason. And how the whole world is full of this. How most people swim and swallow their own s**t and live their lives like this, by choice. Including some of the people I’ve loved😔

I understood.

The experience continued out of hell, giving me other revelations pertaining to my own wisdom and evolution. The message this time was clear: I don’t belong in hell, and I can’t help the people who don’t want to be helped. The only way I can help is by waking up and realizing that it’s all a dream. Being my best myself, I can change the world.

Integration.

There were multiple realizations springing from my Ayahuasca experience. Now the hardest part of the whole journey is the integration. The real work. How do I integrate what I lived in my life? How can I, knowing what I know, go about in life? Here it is a bit of wisdom (that I already knew but now I lived) that I regained:

  • Nothing is permanent.
  • The only certain thing in life is death, therefore live.
  • We give/do our best, but perfection does not exist, it’s a construct of the mind.
  • Everything is an illusion: this world and the other.
  • Something is real as long as we believe it.
  • Opposites (e.g. Joy and Pain, Hot and Cold, Life and Death) are only contrary expressions of the same material.
  • Love resides inside us, not outside.
  • It is enough to just be, without accomplishing anything.
  • What counts is how much love you give/receive/allow, not your perceived successes.
  • Being in control is hiding one’s inability to allow their own emotions to flow.
  • We have the choice to view things in one way or another.
  • Do not be afraid of your power.
  • Accept, surrender, let go.

One goes to an Ayahuasca ceremony with an intention. I had many questions, but the overall common denominator of all was: “How would my life be like if I was able to express myself fully?” I got my answers and more, not in the way I expected, but in the way I needed. Thank you, Magic Mother Plant of the Amazon🌱💫.


 

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