What you are about to read is probably the most relevant story of my life to date (and there have been a couple, but this… overrides the rest). Whether he was my twin soul or not – perhaps he was the ‘false’ twin, as some say – what matters is that he completely changed my life and made me embark on an incredible spiritual journey, that still today I am trying to understand. So get ready to read this true story… that happened to me. This is the first time that I write publicly about a part of my personal life, in detail, that it’s not in songs or poems. So sit tight… read on… and be kind.
It was March of 2012, the year of the Olympics in London, the year of the end of the world according to some, a year full of exciting events happening in the entertainment arena, specially for me, promoting my first solo album and having lots of exciting shows. I met “Ray” while working on a Hollywood film. That day there were hundreds of extras, it was going to be a long day. I was queuing to get my costume checked and then I saw him walking towards me, dressed in tight white flared “Elvis” trousers, and as he did, I saw a rainbow surrounding him, and all of a sudden there was no sound, all the noise was gone. Time stopped. I knew it was him. Again. I knew this guy, and I knew him well. Not from this life, but from another one. Never before had I felt this way of ‘knowing’. Never before had I seen colours around a person. A sudden rush of heat engulfed me and our eyes locked. He felt it too. We didn’t have to say much. We spent that day together, talking, and the other two days of filming that the production needed us. He was a martial artist, and a painter. I quickly realised that Ray was a ladies man, too, readily available to ‘bond’ with every other girl. But, for some reason, that part didn’t matter, because I knew we had a special connection, unlike any other.
I had been married for six years, and although my marriage was crumbling down, I wanted to save it, I wanted to hold on to it and believe that everything was fine, ignoring my husband’s mistreatment, his increasing late nights and trips abroad with other ladies. I loved freedom, and I wished the same for him. I loved and trusted him, and I assumed he would never do to me what I would never do to him. But… people are people. So, when Ray started to repeatedly text and email me, wanting to see me, I would politely dismiss his contact attempts because, even though I felt this out-of-this-world attraction to him, cheating on my husband would never cross my mind. But damn… this pull was something else. It was not just about Ray, it was about ME changing the direction of my life. I had always wanted to pursue the fitness avenue professionally, something I loved as a kid and that I abandoned due to focusing on Music and university… and although 2012 was a very busy year for my singing career, promoting my first solo album and becoming popular in the London Latin scene, I knew that sooner or later I would pursue the Fitness avenue. I knew that I had to give a new spin to my life, I didn’t know when… but somehow when I met Ray I knew this change was imminent. He came to show me the way (obviously, he didn’t know any of this).
Like this, a year and four months went by, full of successful performances and lots of exposure with my music in the public arena. It was June 2013, and my husband had gone on a trip abroad with some friends. Things between us had become far worse than they had been. Still, I believed we would be okay, we would make it. A common friend of Ray and I, who we also met at the film, invited us to her birthday party. I was having a gig that night, but I could join them for a bit and then go to work, so it was a good chance to meet Ray again, after all this time. I knew it would be exciting but I wasn’t expecting to feel anything, and anyway, as I said, cheating was out of the equation. Our friend made sure that the chair by my side was reserved for him, as she could see our chemistry from last year, even if I didn’t say a word to anyone about it. And so he arrived and sat beside me. He had become even more handsome, our connection was intact, and I felt myself losing control of my emotions. Why was I feeling this way? What was the meaning of all this? Without going into detail, we both left the party and he accompanied me to the venue where I was going to perform that night. As we were crossing a traffic light, an important piece of paper that I was carrying in my pocket fell off and the wind took it a couple of metres away. As I ran towards it to pick it up, he stepped on it with impressive speed to pin it down, and my eyes said: “you’ve saved me, superhero” (who would have known the extent of such salvation, years later), as I slowly stood up, so close to him that I could smell his clothes. “It’s so nice to see you after such a long time” – he said. That night nothing happened – I avoided it. But I knew we would meet again, obviously.
The next day all I could think of was him. Everything felt lighter, there was an open gate, full of light, in front of me and all around me, inviting me: “follow me, follow me”. My husband returned from his trip a couple of days later and this time I could clearly see – from a long time, but then I saw it blatantly – that he didn’t love me anymore (this is a different story that would require a whole book). So… if he was going out with other girls… then what was I doing with my life? I could certainly go out with other men… why not give it a try with Ray? after all, as he said “the attraction is there for a reason”. That week, we texted every day, intensely, and we arranged to meet. Those days were filled with beauty, I could feel myself flowering like I hadn’t in a long time… there was a renewed sense of me, a rebirth, all possibility. “I can do this”, “nothing bad can come out of this”, “I am growing”, “I am free”, the sense of adventure that I’ve always identified myself with (as a good Sagittarius) that had been left behind a while ago, came back in full force. What would happen with my husband? nothing, because I loved him inherently anyway, nothing would change with him… I just didn’t think where I was going to place Ray, things just were as they were and I had no intention of stopping the course of nature. Was I considering it as “cheating”? No, because I loved my husband, despite him having drastically changed (and I ignored it, at that point my focus wasn’t on him). But, why can’t we love more than one person? in different ways, for different reasons? who are we to decide what the universe has in store for us? who am I to stop the forces of nature pushing me to do something?
Something else was reserved by the universe, that would push me even more in the direction I was meant to go. I found out that my husband got married to another girl, and had promised marriage to a second girl.
[no words, or tears, because all of them were shed…]
[As I said before, I would have to write a whole book about my marriage and divorce, which I will never do, by the way. But this is not what this post is about. This post is about Twin Flames, and so I will continue with this story.]
Ray and I finally met, alone, and what had to happen… happened. It was the most beautiful and intense experience I’ve ever lived, in my whole life, to date. It wasn’t just physical… it was spiritual. I experienced an openness and an energy that I had never felt before, even in the most genuine love-making you could ever think of. Now, as I write, and I relive the details, I know that such ecstasy exists, for lack of a better word. This encounter, who lasted a whole day, was never to happen again. Not in that way, anyway.
To me it was a sure bet that a steady relationship would flourish from this connection. There was no question about it. He was like my mirror… I could see myself in him, in every single way… we shared so many things… But… people are people. And I soon found out that Ray had a girlfriend – which he denied – and other several women, and he didn’t want to see me or talk to me again. What??? After what we just had?… All my life crumbled down, in every sense. Singing and performing was my only salvation… and only heaven knows how many times I forced myself to go on stage with a smile while the rest of my life was in total chaos. Music was always there to save me, but sometimes it wasn’t easy, because it made me relive everything elevated to the square potency. It still does.
I was trying to understand what was happening here… and since there was no explanation in the real world – not from him (who went totally mute) or from anyone, or anything – I had to find the answers elsewhere… and then, the universe brought to me certain clues – quite frankly, in the midst of a lot of darkness – that led me to find out about the existence of twin flames. Twin flames are two people with the same soul pattern, that have lived many lives together and they are designed to meet over and over again, in order to grow. This is an agreement that they establish before they incarnate. Sometimes they come to stay, sometimes they come to trigger something and then they never come back again. If you look online there is a whole literature about this concept (I’ve seen all of them – there is a lot of rubbish, money-making business and misleading concepts – but there are some genuine ones), which is as ancient as the creation of the universe. Me, being as spiritual as I am, immediately made sense of this. Of course this was not just it, this concept was intrinsically tied to many other subjects that I was already well-versed on, and that I continued to learn about (Egypt, Hermeticism, the chakras, remote viewing and clairvoyancy, quantum physics, the holographic nature of reality, dreams, hypnotherapy, past lives, etc.). I was always drawn to the unknown and the unseen… and this made perfect sense. They say that twin flames come to ‘wake up our true selves’. And he really did.
Anyway, that was not the last time I was going to be with Ray. In fact we met again, three more times, once per year, in 2015, 2016 and 2017. Imagine me, madly (and secretly) in love with someone whom I only met once a year, and in between, all the other 364 days, I was trying to come to terms with what was happening to me and my whole life. Clearly I wasn’t that important to Ray, despite what we felt when we were together, otherwise he would act otherwise… I didn’t understand… I probably don’t understand, still. After my divorce in 2014, I moved to a different house and I focused on studying and finalising my Fitness studies, which I did. The emotional pain I went through affected my body in such manner that I couldn’t move at some point, I paralyzed in the street one day and I was unable to walk with the strongest back pain and lack of energy I’d ever experienced. I also fainted twice. Doctors said there was nothing wrong with me, but obviously there was, and those led me to look for alternative ways of healing. Trying to work out the nature of my connection with Ray, learning about so many different spiritual healing techniques and disciplines, at the same time as I started working in the Fitness industry, kept me motivated and in a constant challenge to improve myself, also looking forward to our future, which I thought had no question, whatever circumstances were going on at the moment… I had very clear that they were just stepping stones to something better. I knew we would be together in the end, it couldn’t be any other way. I believed so because they say that in the twin flame dynamic lots of growth and pain need to happen but eventually the two souls end up together again. I don’t believe that anymore, and I frankly don’t want him to come back, and I’ll say why: he did his job. Perhaps I’ll meet him in another life and we will be lovers then, but in this life, he fulfilled his purpose.
The last time we met was March 2017. He spent his birthday with me, for a few days, and then… he decided to leave the country and pursue a different career. “I don’t know when I’ll be back” were his last words.
I never heard from him, ever again, despite my contact attempts, my messages falling on empty space, my dreams… my love.
Our souls have mysterious ways of showing love. And, often times, despite all the findings, research and knowledge, one simply has to accept things as they are. Because sometimes there is no logic. There is so much we don’t know… and we will probably never know, because that’s the way it’s meant to be. Now you’ll perhaps understand a bit more my energy/mind/body articles and how I understand that everything is related. This is also how SingersFit was born 🙂 It was my evolution from GraciMusic. Ray came to remind me of my soul’s purpose… which now I know is to heal people, through singing, through teaching music, and now fitness… and I already know that the next thing will be energy healing… at least this is where it seems to be heading! 🙂
The dreams that I had for him and I became the underlying reason why I made the choices I made for myself, including having the courage to go through a divorce, including saying goodbye to my then manager, who was a psycho, including saying goodbye to my all-time guitarist and to a friend… who were only there for their own convenience.
Ray came to remind me of my value, he came to show me that being nice to others and being strong doesn’t work when others only take.
Ray came to show me that I must show my vulnerability sometimes and it’s okay, and that I must set my boundaries.
Ray came to remind me of my soul’s purpose, because I wasn’t going in the right direction.
Ray taught me to never abandon myself for a man, he taught me to choose myself, even over him.
And yet, he will never know any of this.
I let go of Ray when I finally understood his purpose in my life. And for that I thank him. Thank you for guiding me, once again.
I believe there isn’t just one of them, though. There are a few souls that belong to our soul group and they are in our lives to help us grow. Some leave, and some are here to stay. I know now that Ray will never come back, not in this life. His role was fulfilled. When you know, you just know 🙂